I met someone who made me believe that a different narrative was possible. That a truly incredible love story is possible. That I’m not condemned to the past and my mistakes or questionable actions and decisions. We didn’t get to talk much or even hang out even though i asked him out for coffee- something i have never done with someone I’m not friends with- but he means something to me. I’m grateful for the experience, although I’m caught in my feelings. I thought of him in the future tense. I saw him in my life. I considered what it would be like for him to meet my family, my brother, my sisters. My mother. My father. Would he want to learn my mother tongue? Would he move back with me?
Funnily enough I don’t even know him well. And he never gave me any clear indication that he was interested in me. But I’m an empath. I feel deeply. Keenly. And with him I felt hope. And I believed again.
Even if it comes to nothing,
I know i won’t forget him quickly.
The last year has been interesting. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and who I am as a person. I wrote a bunch of letters, grew, became braver but still I wrestle with this concept of taking too much space. Of being too much. This concept of likability.
I found myself in a situation where I had the choice to bring all of my expansive self to the forefront and I didn’t. Because part of me feels/felt like this expansive self, the universe I carry is what was not wanted or chosen in the past by young boys who couldn’t handle all this greatness. I wasn’t made for everyone. I realise that now. But I also find myself lowering the volume on myself, on my voice, on my personality because maybe it is too loud for some. And this was my predicament.
Taking up space. I thought that if I tone down I might be better received. And in toning down I muted myself to greys and whites so that the brilliance of myself in full technicolour was not realised. The hues of my wit, the shades of my humour, the extensive palate of my vocabulary.
Because someone in the past couldn’t handle the brilliance and maybe that has stuck with me more than I care to realise.
I didn’t want to be too much this time around. So instead I became less.
Last week i asked someone if they wanted to have coffee with me because it was my birthday. I freaked out. I’m still freaking out over the response. I used this quote when i asked him. I’ve never done this before in my life. But then last night I saw this quote on my friend’s profile and I took it as confirmation. I’d done the right thing. It was wild and crazy but it’s better than living in the land of what-if. I’m in this space where I’d rather take a chance than live not knowing what could’ve been.
Happy birthday to me.