I want love. I want to be liked, to be seen. To be chosen. To be someone’s one. This week one of the guys from work was leaving, and it is safe to say that I may have become attached to him. I stepped in some feels. Which I didn’t know i had until another coworker was like, i think I’m vibing this dude. To be fair, she is THAT girl. You know the one, she’s pretty, flirty, fun and just not, well me I guess. I like her well enough but being around her caused insecurity to well up inside me like it hasn’t in a while. I watched their interactions, the ease with which she was able to maneuver herself so that now, he texts her without her doing it first. There were times I wished it was that easy for me, but my track record with boys leaves much to be desired.
Anyway, on Monday after work A (the girl) was like let’s us three go and hang out. It’ll be the last time we see buddy boy (J) and it’ll be fun. I had different plans, and I was apprehensive about going tbh. I did not want to be a third wheel or a candle holder or a freaking chaperone. Suffice to say, it was a pleasant eye-opening evening. I realised that buddy boy just, wasn’t my type. Like, he’s a lovely person, sweet, friendly, but just not what I want. this was good. It was like waking up from some foolish dream.
Foolish foolish dream.
My instincts told me that he probably liked her too. And I’ve begun to listen to that Voice again. Which is the reason I dusted my feet of the feels and walked on.
I do wish it was as easy as that though. I still feel. I feel like I was rejected. And that I was never even in the running, or considered. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I know I wouldn’t date him. But I still would like for someone I think is cool to think I’m cool too. Romantically.
Grace and peace