I might still be holding a candle for you. Every so often I check your facebook, check up on you, wonder how you’re doing, wish I could send you a message, but I don’t.
I don’t because I know what the result will be. And tonight I’m writing this because I’m feeling like I wish you were here. I wish you were the one who would sweep me off my feet, and choose me, and love me, and just, be the one.
I realise I might be pmsing, so my emotions are heightened, but for tomight, I think i’ll allow. I’m basing everything on the past, because you are the one that’s not married yet.
I remember texting you, and feeling free to do so. I had few inhibitions, I knew you liked Mari, but I had hope, that maybe we could be friends, and then we were friends. Some semblance of a friendship, but friends nonetheless. you were him for me. and I don’t know why I still hold this candle. Maybe when you get married i’ll stop.
I know, I know what that sounds like.
How can I allow this? I talk about having self worth and valuing yourself, and making sure the person you like values you too. Truth be told, I don’t think you valued me. Maybe when you texted me back, maybe you wee just being nicce, and I completely misconstrued it.
Did i? Did I mistake your niceness for interest? The time we were at Treverton and you hung out with me, those times we had text conversations, the times we chatted at homecell. Were you just being nice? You had no interest in me at all? None?
I ask myself these questions because you were the one I did the most with. I was there, I liked you and I wasn’t hiding it very well. It was after you and gareth that I learnt that wearing my heart on my sleeve was probably not the wisest thing. Not when there is no reciprocity.
I know my answers to these questions. I know you had no interest. I know this because I saw the way you were with Sarah. I saw the way you liked her, and chose her, and preferred her, and you never did for me. To be honest I have the sneaking suspicion that you only invited me and my sisters to your farewell party, so Sarah wouldn’t be alone. Good looking out. You were willing to fight for her. You have never fought for me. And I know this.
So why am I writing to you now? Because you were the last. Because something happened at work tonight that reminded me of the times we had. And heck, I know I’d be so good for you. But I also know that I’m just emotional, cause I have no intuition about you. I only know that I was hurt by the lack of closure. I was infatuated, yes. I was in like with you. I wouldn’t call it love because I know better. It was like a breakup but you weren’t in a relationship with me. I even feel like our friendship was one-sided at some points. But we were teenagers.
I want to know why I was disqualified. Did you ever even consider me? Or did you write me off from the get-go? Did you know? Was I so obvious in the way I was with you?
I don’t blame you for not choosing me. I guess you just aren’t/weren’t into me. And that’s okay. It’s okay.
Here’s to everything I didn’t say.
Grace and Peace g.