I watched a spoken word piece last night about this lady who had a friend who told her that, I’d totally date you, if you weren’t black. I loved her response.
I have a white friend who said he could never see himself with a black girl. I’m sure he had no idea how much that actually hurt me. Because i considered him. We were really good friends and in that friendship i realised that i could be friends with someone i liked, running out if things to talk about didn’t have to be the norm, as i felt it had been in my life.
That said, to know that you have been disqualified because of the colour of your skin, because of something you can’t actually change, it hurt. I internalised it.
I have disqualified myself before I could be disqualified in the past. I’ve taken myself out of any races so to speak. It’s been a protection mechanism I guess. To keep my heart intact with no chance of being judged as undateable because of the colour of my skin. I allowed the disqualification to define me.
I feel like I am better at loving me and choosing me now. But when it comes to boys, especially living in a country where people of my colouring are not the norm like they are back home, the opportunity to feel insecure arises. You wonder if you are seen. And considered. And thought of positively, romantically.
It becomes a mindset that you have to train your mind out of.
do i need to be approved of before I deem myself worthy? Is my worth based on your ability to see me? Am i lovely, qualified, valuable without your gaze?
And the answer is always a resounding YES.
I choose to believe that I am. Even when I don’t feel like it.