I had an epiphany last night for some reason, regarding this boy that i developed unwanted feels for. I think i realised that this is not what i want. I mean, I’ve known from the outset that he’s not what i want. I expect I’m not who he wants either. The problem is aesthetically he is my type, but that’s about it. We’re very different people and last night i woke up to the realisation that, I’ve been having delusions of grandeur where he is concerned. Our conversations were one sided a lot of the time, it wasn’t always daisies and roses. I admit that i am attracted to what he represents to me. A boy essentially. Because getting to know him was nice. But again, he’s not available to me. Like even friendwise, i think that value is an important thing. You need friends who value you, who value your opinion and friends who will tell you what’s up. But personally i don’t think he really valued my opinion. To be fair, I can’t say i valued his either. Although when i was younger, his approval was all i wanted. Him and his friends, who happened to be the cool kids.
For some reason after moping about the fact that he hadn’t replied to me in two months (yes i counted, i was a bit invested ehe), i was just like you know what? He’s not who i want. He hasn’t been in all the years I’ve known him. Even now.
Like so much thought time has been spent on him. God. So many journals, so many posts, and for what?
If i believe that i am worthy, worth it, valuable, then he is not compatible.
The biggest epiphany i had, once i could put a name to it, was that everything about him represents the past. He is the past.
And if I am to move on from this, pick up and carry on, I must embrace the future. I must lay hold of what lies before me and release the handful of what-ifs and what-could’ve-beens and just, let go.
For what lies before us is greater than anything we leave behind.
C.S Lewis (paraphrased).
Grace and peace,