I met this person on the bus on my way to work. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when the bus stopped and I happened to look up. A six foot something human wearing a mask came on board and our eyes met. There was instant recognition and both our eyebrows shot up like, ‘oh it’s you!’
We had a short conversation, with me starting it because i knew that if i left without saying anything, i would regret it. So there we were, engaged in a conversation that would cause me to rethink a lot of the things I’ve been taught and conditioned to believe regarding the opposite sex.
He said this meeting was random. He wasn’t even going to take the bus. I understood this, because we’ve been bumping into each other for the last few months and I’ve lived in this country for 2 years and we’ve never seen each other, outside of me going to his band’s gigs.
I left that conversation thinking what just happened? ? And also, why wasn’t i myself? Why wasn’t i witty and funny and chatty? Why didn’t i show him the best parts of me so he could walk away with the best first impression?
I’m an overthinker. I am. My mind goes to places and i have these ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ thoughts that plague me until i call out the condemnation for what it is and accept what happened. Forgive myself and let it go. I guess i haven’t done that yet. Maybe.
This bus incident happened three weeks ago. Initially when we met the day after my birthday last November, and kept meeting, my thoughts went to a romantic place, as they would. Because that’s what I’ve been prone to do with all the guys I’ve liked/crushed on/become attached to. I get into my head and create scenarios which build and water the emotional attachment til i find myself stuck in a sticky spiderweb of tangled feelings that I can’t get out of easily. I also find myself alone. And feeling like the girl for whom reciprocity doesn’t exist.
I have found myself in that place one too many times and even that is too many times. I don’t want to do that to myself again. I like to think I’ve learned from those experiences.
My sister and I had a conversation last night, because Holy Spirit and my family keep me grounded, and I realised that I don’t have control over this. I can’t do the most, like i have with the others. I won’t see him at church every Sunday, i can’t send him a message, i don’t have him on Facebook and essentially, we are not in each other’s lives. Everything about the last six months has been like something out of a movie. And as much as I would like to somehow control some part of it, I can’t.
What I can control though, is myself.
My heart, my thoughts, my actions. I have power over these things. I have power to ensure that just because I am presented with the same mountain, it does not mean i will climb it. This time. I have the power to behave differently. To stop my thoughts from travelling down roads that may cause me hurt in the future. I have the power to not be afraid of the future, of what could be. I have the power to have a conversation with someone i find attractive without thinking romantic thoughts about them. To actually be friends.
I think this is also part of what being who I needed when I was younger looks like. Being who i needed then, and being the best person for me, now.
Having the courage to choose me. And say yes. Or no. Trusting Holy Spirit that i can move forward with courage. Or be still. Either way not moving in fear.
Grace and peace.