The last year has been interesting. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and who I am as a person. I wrote a bunch of letters, grew, became braver but still I wrestle with this concept of taking too much space. Of being too much. This concept of likability.
I found myself in a situation where I had the choice to bring all of my expansive self to the forefront and I didn’t. Because part of me feels/felt like this expansive self, the universe I carry is what was not wanted or chosen in the past by young boys who couldn’t handle all this greatness. I wasn’t made for everyone. I realise that now. But I also find myself lowering the volume on myself, on my voice, on my personality because maybe it is too loud for some. And this was my predicament.
Taking up space. I thought that if I tone down I might be better received. And in toning down I muted myself to greys and whites so that the brilliance of myself in full technicolour was not realised. The hues of my wit, the shades of my humour, the extensive palate of my vocabulary.
Because someone in the past couldn’t handle the brilliance and maybe that has stuck with me more than I care to realise.
I didn’t want to be too much this time around. So instead I became less.