This month marks the fourth year since my sisters and I left churchianity. It’s been four whole years, and I think I thought I was over it. But maybe I’m not. I think there are parts of me that still carry resentment, about the way we were treated. The way we were outsiders for much of our time there. I won’t deny that God in his goodness certainly worked it out for our good, because we made some good friends. Although I remember my mother would tell us, ‘hey guys, I think you should leave,’ and we probably should have listened. But we stuck it out. We were like let’s give this another chance. I say ‘we’ even though we didn’t all agree at the time, but when we left, we left together, and we were in agreement that it was time.

It was a painful experience. I was there for eight years, my older sister more, my younger sisters less. It was a lesson in acceptance, and self-worth. A battle to be accepted by your peers, but even after everything, they still don’t accept you. I’ve come to realise now, that as a person, I am not for everyone. And I am fine with that. But learning it was a traumatic experience, and it has made me so leery of some people in the church. I remember going to this girl’s Facebook page, only to find that she had unfriended me, and my sisters. She was one of the elder’s kids, so from that we knew that the story had probably made its rounds in the leadership, and she was my sister’s classmate. She was more of an acquaintance to me, but I remember thinking, how come you get to unfriend me? As if you were the one suffering at the hand of cliquishness and churchianity? Why do you get to unfriend me, as if I am in the wrong? It made no sense to me. Unfriending people is something very serious in my world, I don’t take it lightly. I still haven’t unfriended these guys to be honest. And I don’t know why. Maybe healing starts with that. Maybe healing and moving on starts with actually just removing them completely from my life. Part of me says that, but part of me is also like, but we were in each others’ lives for a long time. We grew up together. You can’t just throw that away.

Maybe I’m just sentimental. Because it turns out, that you can.

This is the first post in a series. We’ll see how it goes.